The Best Animal Jokes of All Time
Ranked by thousands of real reader upvotes. The absolute cream of the crop.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
👍 8,373 upvotes
Onions.
I remember crying when my dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog. I miss him.
👍 1,231 upvotes
A man walks into church and sits in the confessional booth.
The priest sits down and the man says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed." The priest replies, "Would you like to tell me what happened?" "Well," the guy says. "I was out on the seventh hole, and I'd just hit my best drive of the day. Straight ahead, down the middle of the fairway, and a long way down. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I walked to the ball. I wasn't 30 feet away when a squirrel ran out of the trees and grabbed my ball." The priest interrupts, "Oh, I see. So that's when you cursed?" The man replies, "No Father, I didn't. As the squirrel was running away, it got to the end of the fairway when it was caught by a hawk, which flew high into the air." Once again, he priest interrupts, "So that's when you cursed?" The man continues, "No Father. The hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it squeezed the squirrel with its talons, causing the ball to drop about three feet from the pin." The priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"
👍 763 upvotes
If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck...
It probably identifies as a napkin and how dare you assume it's species.
👍 627 upvotes
My pet snake just lays around and won't move
I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction
👍 617 upvotes
A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
👍 505 upvotes
So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...
The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?" "Africa!", says the parrot.
👍 322 upvotes
Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....?
For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound! *I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *
👍 259 upvotes