Marriage Jokes
The funniest marriage jokes — curated, scored by real readers, updated daily.
🏆 Top 10 Marriage Jokes of all time
- #1
A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...
He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick u…
Read full joke → - #2
Measurements
A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know h…
Read full joke → - #3
My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"
So I got her nothing.
Read full joke → - #4
God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my …
Read full joke → - #5 · 17,972 upvotes
Putting it in.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What …
Read full joke → - #6 · 9,318 upvotes
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
Read full joke → - #7
A woman was getting out of the shower
As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door a…
Read full joke → - #8 · 1,918 upvotes
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
Read full joke → - #9
A Lady visited a bar for the first time..
She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.. the guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single" the Guy on …
Read full joke → - #10
A woman is at home when she hears someone......
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lad…
Read full joke → - #11
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....
My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.
Read full joke → - #12
The man approached the very beautiful.....
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can y…
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I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship.
My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.
Read full joke → - #14
When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up...
When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up...
Read full joke → - #15
Dentist: This will hurt.
Patient: OK. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.
Read full joke → - #16
Two antennas get married . . .
. . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding
Read full joke → - #17
There was this man who walked into a bar and.....
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man say…
Read full joke → - #18
Going To The Movies
I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in ma…
Read full joke → - #19
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked t…
Read full joke → - #20 · 1,096 upvotes
A heart of gold.
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000…
Read full joke → - #21
I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery
He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".
Read full joke → - #22
One night, a man walks into a bar looking sad...
The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, “Oh, just a beer." The bartender asked the man, “What's wrong, why are you so down…
Read full joke → - #23
Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself fi…
Read full joke → - #24 · 19,300 upvotes
I call my wife Bambi
She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle. **…
Read full joke → - #25
Loyalty is very important for my wife...
My girlfriend doesn't care. Funny how different sisters can be.
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