Holiday Jokes
The funniest holiday jokes — curated, scored by real readers, updated daily.
🏆 Top 10 Holiday Jokes of all time
- #1
A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve.
They start to feel some light precipitation "I think it's raining" says the man "No it's snowing" replies the woman. "How about we ask…
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Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read
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What do you call Santa without both his arms?...
***Can't Applause...***
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An undercover manatee ambushed a bunch of elves guarding a pot of gold
“Aye! What creature art thouest?” the elves inquired. The manatee responded in a kinky way, “Aye, I am the undercover manatee who goes by t…
Read full joke → - #5
How is Christmas like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Read full joke → - #6
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present
They're due back at the library today.
Read full joke → - #7
How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents
Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.
Read full joke → - #8
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Read full joke → - #9
Great news insomniacs!
Only 12 sleeps til Christmas.
Read full joke → - #10
I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".
You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.
Read full joke → - #11
A baby was born in South Africa.
The village was very poor, and the makeshift hospital didn't have some necessary equipment.. such as scales. The father however, was desper…
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3 vampires walk into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood. 15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same. Not soon after, a …
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Three Vampires walk into a bar
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink 1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood 2nd Vampire: I want a double shot of blo…
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a farmer interviewed about his two white and black cows
reporter: what do you feed the cows? farmer: the white or the black one ? - the white one. - hay. -and the black one? -also hay. - whe…
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What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
Read full joke → - #16
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
See ya next month.
Read full joke → - #17
A woman goes to get a tattoo
The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left th…
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A ghost says to his ghostfriend..
"I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.." "Why not?" Asked the ghost-friend. "Because I've lost every other one!" He cries sul…
Read full joke → - #19
Jehova's witnesses don't celebrate halloween
I guess they just don't appreciate random people coming up and knocking on their doors.
Read full joke → - #20
What did the lesbian vampire say to her lover?
See you next month
Read full joke → - #21
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump-kin.
Read full joke → - #22
What do you call an angry witch?
Ribbit.
Read full joke → - #23
Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.
Read full joke → - #24 · 1,076 upvotes
Divorce
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I a…
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A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...
The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and s…
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