Grumpy
Old Folk

The Best Doctor & Medical of All Time

Ranked by thousands of real reader upvotes. The absolute cream of the crop.

  1. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

    A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

    👍 27,736 upvotes

  2. A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

    After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river. The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line. Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions. Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.

    👍 8,959 upvotes

  3. The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

    Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

    👍 1,910 upvotes

  4. A pregnant woman goes into a coma

    A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?" "Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them". She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?" The doctor says "He named the girl Denise" And she thinks, “Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name" What did he name the boy?" Replies the doctor "De nephew."

    👍 1,572 upvotes

  5. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

    The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies. The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby. The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?" The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

    👍 1,530 upvotes

  6. One explanation for the gender wage gap is that men typically gravitate towards higher paying jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO...

    ... While women tend to gravitate towards lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO. All credit to Jeremy McClellan @jeremymcclellan on Twitter and crosspost from r/standupshots Edit: I just made checked, and this subreddit is r/jokes right?

    👍 1,410 upvotes

  7. I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…

    Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

    👍 1,290 upvotes

  8. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

    A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath. “Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!” The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly ,”Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… "A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?"

    👍 1,042 upvotes

  9. The doctor gave me 6 months to live.

    So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

    👍 980 upvotes

  10. I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

    My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

    👍 971 upvotes