Grumpy
Old Folk

🏆 Top 10 Old People & Grumpy Jokes

Ranked by real reader upvotes. The cream of the crop.

  1. I had an idea for a movie plot.

    A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

    👍 4,720 upvotes

  2. Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

    Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

    👍 1,219 upvotes

  3. My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

    But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

    👍 919 upvotes

  4. I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

    We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

    👍 728 upvotes

  5. A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

    Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment. "What are you doing?" Asked the boy. "Playing poker." Replied the dad. "Oh, but what's mom doing here?" The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker." Satisfied, he leaves the room. Halfway down the hall he hears similar screams and sounds coming from his grandparent's room, so he bursts in and sees his grandpa and grandma both naked and holding each other. "Now what are you doing?" Asked the boy. "I'm playing poker." Said the grandpa. "And what about grandma?" The grandpa thinks about it, and replies, "well, she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker." The boy turns and goes back to his room... The house fills with screaming and groaning. The dad and grandpa run into the hallway and open the little boys room where the sounds are coming from. "What are you doing in here?!?!" Asked the dad. "I'm playing poker!" Said The boy. "But you need to have a wild card to play poker." Said the grandpa. The boy ponders on this and answers, "Not if you have a good hand."

    👍 607 upvotes

  6. Confensual sex

    A couple had been married for 40 years, and decided for their anniversary they would go to the same spot they went on their honeymoon those 40 years ago. It was a nice little spot by a farm, with rolling hills visible in the distance. As they strolled down a path next to the cows, the husband smacked his wife on the behind and said "You know honey, 40 years ago we had sex right here, up against this fence. You remember?" She replied "Yes, I do remember. We sure were something back then, werent we?" He answered "Indeed. How about we do it again for old time's sake?" With that, they proceeded to have sex up against the same fence that they done it against as newlyweds. When finished, the old man exclaimed "Wow honey, you really had a good time, didnt you? You havent moved that much in a long time, in fact, I dont even know if you moved that much when we had sex here 40 years ago!" She said "Well, 40 years ago that fence wasnt electrified."

    👍 541 upvotes

  7. There was a couple that was married 50 years

    They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the man said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," she snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

    👍 408 upvotes

  8. Police stop old man.

    Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

    👍 408 upvotes

  9. Three old men

    Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied. Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?” "Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

    👍 274 upvotes

  10. What kind of table is good for your health?

    A vegetable! This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece! It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

    👍 168 upvotes