🏆 Top 10 Holiday Jokes
Ranked by real reader upvotes. The cream of the crop.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.
👍 1,694 upvotes
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."
I haven't worn it yet.
👍 1,323 upvotes
Hillary Clinton is elected President.
On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest" *Hillary laughs in his face* On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself." *Hillary laughs in his face* On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."
👍 1,165 upvotes
Divorce
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
👍 1,076 upvotes
A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son
'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!' The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells: 'No! I don't wanna know!' 'But why not?' asks the father, surprised. 'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be *really* pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'
👍 733 upvotes
Three vampires are bragging to each other...
The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry." The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors." The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?" "Yeah?" "I didn't"
👍 518 upvotes
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present
They're due back at the library today.
👍 449 upvotes