🏆 Top 10 Marriage Jokes
Ranked by real reader upvotes. The cream of the crop.
I call my wife Bambi
She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle. **Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine... *Pause for comedic value* But seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors.
👍 19,300 upvotes
Putting it in.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
👍 17,972 upvotes
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
👍 9,318 upvotes
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
👍 1,918 upvotes
A heart of gold.
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?” “Um, no,” mumbled the director. “Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?” “I … I … I had no idea.” “So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
👍 1,096 upvotes
Dentist: This will hurt.
Patient: OK. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.
👍 884 upvotes
Loyalty is very important for my wife...
My girlfriend doesn't care. Funny how different sisters can be.
👍 817 upvotes
A woman is at home when she hears someone......
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
👍 327 upvotes
I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship.
My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.
👍 211 upvotes
I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery
He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".
👍 142 upvotes