Grumpy
Old Folk

🏆 Top 10 Fishing Jokes

Ranked by real reader upvotes. The cream of the crop.

  1. Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day

    Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

    👍 15,346 upvotes

  2. It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

    At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

    👍 10,322 upvotes

  3. So the Belgians are pissed...

    The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert. They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge. King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."

    👍 7,812 upvotes

  4. Dating is a lot like fishing

    Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

    👍 2,225 upvotes

  5. Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole..

    ..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says *"Gee Susie, what's going on?"* Susie says, *"I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"* Mr. Johnson asks, *"Why are you digging a hole?"* Susie replies, *"I'm burying my gold fish"* Mr. Johnson laughs and asks *"Why is the hole so big?"* Susie replies, *"Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".*

    👍 1,017 upvotes

  6. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

    Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

    👍 941 upvotes

  7. A boy is selling fish on a corner.

    To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

    👍 642 upvotes

  8. A guy walking into a bar

     sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk. “Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

    👍 526 upvotes

  9. A man and his wife built a boat...

    They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately. They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*. "We're really not very good at this," the man said in disgust. "How do boats even work?" "I don't know, but we'll figure it out," replied his wife. "We need an *ELI5*."

    👍 499 upvotes

  10. A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

    There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

    👍 449 upvotes